Every so often I’m reminded that things are, well, different out here.

I received an urgent message from an associate in the U.K. He had a buyer for a certain kind of aluminum (which, being British, he called “aluminium”), and could I please contact a certain company in Athens that produced this material.

We won’t mention this company by name, but suffice it to say that, oddly, it has a French name that, when translated, means “Aluminium of Greece.”

Anyway, I dutifully prepared a letter and offered it up to the Greek fax gods, who require that one wait a certain number of days and then tap you on the top of the head and say, “Hey, Gringo, they’re not going to answer you.”

In fact, they never answer. It’s true: I have never had a Greek company respond to a business fax, even when sent in response to something they asked for, or offering to buy their products. Never!

So, this company, also being subservient to the Greek fax gods, was not about to challenge their authority and so did not answer, even though our buyer was asking to purchase millions of dollars of their products. Which meant now I would have to appeal to the Greek telephone gods and try to track someone down on the phone on, as fate would have it, the afternoon before the onset of the long Orthodox Easter weekend.

Perhaps stranger things have happened, but I actually did find some lonely souls still in the offices, and after being forwarded a time or two reached a pleasant young woman who, in very passable English, politely explained that everyone had already left for the weekend (even though it was only mid-afternoon Thursday) and would I mind awaiting a call-back on Monday or Tuesday? I thanked her and hung up, thinking it would be a pleasure dealing with this firm.

Half an hour later the phone rang. A male at the other end was going on in mile-a-minute Greek, until finally I could break in and explain, as I always do, “I’m sorry, but I don’t speak Greek.”

The voice at the other end resumed where it left off, again in mile-a-minute Greek. And again I managed to squeeze in and say, “I’m really very sorry, but I don’t speak Greek. Do you speak English, parlez-vous français, . . . etc., etc.?)

Now the voice resumed in somewhat accented English: “You’re a Greek company, why don’t you speak Greek?”

“Well, we’re not a Greek company, we’re only based here, and most of our business is outside Greece, and I’m sorry, but I don’t speak Greek.” (Now what I was thinking, but was too polite to say, was, “You’re a Greek company, so why do you have a French name?”)

Now the voice again resumed: “You obviously don’t know anything about this business, and we are not interested in talking to you, and we are definitely not interested in your business.”

Now here was a cheeky way to sell one’s products and promote customer goodwill, I thought, and so managed to say about the only thing that one can say under the circumstances (well, maybe the second thing one might say, but again being too polite avoided the first thing): “Excuse me?!?”

The voice was not done: “You obviously know nothing about this business, and we are not interested in talking to you nor are we interested in your business, so do not call us again!”

Never mind that we had a serious buyer ready, willing, and able to spend millions of his hard-earned pounds sterling on this company’s product. Obviously, this guy at the other end of the line was a real expert in the ways of business!

“We’re not interested in your business. Don’t call us again, ever, because we won’t speak to you. Now goodbye!”

It was one of those moments when one can only wonder, “How do you people even stay in business?”

I was still in mild shock when I related this experience to Ronald, my associate here. Ronald, who is Swiss but married to a Greek woman and in business in Greece since Zeus was a boy, didn’t have to think twice about the explanation: “He was looking for a pay-off, and when you hadn’t offered it, he wasn’t interested in talking to you.”

“Excuse me?!?” (again). “But we were trying to buy their products? Why would we pay off anyone to sell us their products?”

Ronald is used to such naiveté.

“That’s right. But they still expect to get paid off to sell you the products. That’s why I won’t deal with Greek companies any more.”

What a novel marketing idea, I thought, and then went off to try to explain all this to my British contact.

Of course, this was not the last time I encountered this attitude, and recently a Greek contact of mine asked me how much commission we would pay the head of a certain olive oil company whose products we were seeking to export to a new market.

“Excuse me?!?” (a very useful phrase in Greece). “But he’s the president of the company, and we are looking to buy his products. Why would we pay him a commission???”

“Oh, because he does not own the company, and he does not get paid very much.”

“Well, that sounds like an issue between him and his board,” I explained. “It’s not our problem.”

I got back a look that might be reserved for a madman.

Greek Business 101 . . .